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Saturday, October 1st, 2005
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11:26 am - Oh my goodness, it's been forever! Now, about my summer...
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So, since the last time I have written in my live journal I have moved back to California, gone to school there for a semester, had a blast this summer, and then moved back to Utah. It's so strange the way I felt about this place when I left. I hated it here. Then, somehow, I started missing it. And then it was all I could think about. I missed my friends that I had here and the possibilities for a social life that I didn't see happening for me at home. I knew that it would almost kill me to leave the people that I love behind again, but I also knew that this was the right thing to do. I have been so happy since I moved here. It's almost like I'm a different person than the girl who moved here last time. I have been talking with people and making friends. I haven't been as shy, and I smile a whole lot more. I have met some really wonderful people and I'm so glad I'm here. I do miss home, but this time it's a small ache in my heart that I can get past, unlike last time when felt more like the world was coming to an end, at my most dramatic of moments. But now I'm happy and health and doing just fine.
So this summer I had a whole lot of fun. I went to Warped Tour with my sister, Barbie, my brother, Chris, and our good friend Jeni. We got to hear some great bands like MCR, Kasabian, and Dropkick Murpheys. It wasn't my favorite rock show I have been to this year, because it wasn't organized very well, the location wasn't very nice (everything was dirt with nowhere to sit), and it was SO HOT! Of course it was summer in California, but it was pretty miserable with the other factors being taken into account. Street Scene, which I had never been to before this year, was completely awesome. Some people complained because they moved it to the Qualcom Stadium parking lot, but since I have never experience anything else, I didn't mind. It was put together so well. They had screens on the sides of the stage so if a tall person was standing in front of me, I could still see what was going on. All the bands were amazing! We saw so many good bands, I was in awe. My favorite performances were Garbage, the White Stripes, Dashboard Confessional, Death Cab for Cutie, and of course, the Used. My sister, my brother, and I all got to meet the band. We were at the beginning of the line for autograph signing. I was so nervous that I couldn't think of anything to say. I was sad that I waited so long and wasn't even able to tell them that their music completely rocks my world. But when the performed, I managed to squeeze up front and when my favorite song came on, I crowd surfed up to the front and was so close to Bert. It was totally worth it, even though they make you leave once you get up there. But I was fine with it. I went off to the side of the crowd and Barbie and I danced and screamed/sang along with the music. It was the best time ever. When I came out from the crowd I was soaking wet with mine and other people's sweat (I know, disgusting). But I had such a good time hearing my favorite modern rock band that I didn't care.
I also went to Comic-con this summer. I got to see my friend Paris, who I still haven't been able to hang out with and now I probably won't get the chance now that I moved back to Utah. Sad day. But I did get to see lots of beautiful famous people including Natalie Portman. I must admit, seeing her was the highlight of Comic-con for me this year. She is so cute and sweet. I think if I knew her, we'd be friends. I felt like I got to see a lot more things that I wanted to the year before this one at Comic-con, but this year was still pretty good. I just remember being super tired the whole time. But I was with my friends Kim and Justin, and although I was probably being a pain in the a** because I was so tired (which I hope they will forgive me for if I was) I was glad just to be able to spend time with them.
I also had the opportunity to go to New York this summer. I didn't see much of the city while I was there because it was more of a family trip. I went with my cousin, Rudy, and his family because his oldest son was playing in a baseball tournament in Cooperstown, New York. My Aunt Kathi, Rudy's mom, and my grandpa also came. We started out by landing at JFK and from there my grandma, my aunt, and I went to Pennsylvania to visit some family we have there. After that we went to New Jersey to visit more family (my grandma's brother, Vince and his wife, Kate). I must admit, as we were driving away from their house, I started to cry. I loved it in New Jersey. I felt so at home and welcome and comfortable at my great aunt and uncles house. They took us to Philadelphia for an afternoon and we got to see the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall. We also ate Phillie Cheese Steak Sandwiches, which were extremely delicious. After we left their house, we drove to Cooperstown and spent the rest of the week watching the baseball tournament and seeing the sites. We stayed at a really nice place which was sort of out in the boonies, but this place was completely amazing, it was worth the drive it took to get there. This place had a pool, a pond, row boats, fishing poles, a game room, a mini store, cute little cabins, and a small stream where my little cousins and I worked on our frog catching skills. I had such a good time, and by then my cousin Shelly and her boyfriend Paul came to join us in NY to watch the baseball tournament. I went to the Baseball Hall of Fame with my grandpa, and I must say, I couldn't have asked for a better tour guide. I asked him a million questions and he explained them to me patiently and told me so many interesting things. Not just about things he knew had happened, but things he had actually seen. He told me about games he went to with my grandma when they first got married and even things before that from when he was a boy. I wished my grandma was still alive and could have been there with us. The entire trip made me miss her so much. And I think it's mostly because it helped me remember her so much. When I hear my great uncle Vince talk, I can remember my grandma's voice and facial expressions so clearly, because they were the same as his. And I love hearing stories about when they were young. I had a wonderful time visiting there. When I got home, it was only a week or so before I decided to move to Utah. It's strange how things can change so quickly.
Once I decided to move, I was really afraid to tell my dad that I was moving. I was afraid that he would tell me that it was a stupid idea and that it was impractical. Well, maybe it was both of those things, but for some reason when I finally got up enough nerve to tell him my plans, he was really supportive. He even helped me with money to move and with my rent. I think that most of all, that was the thing that made me more confident once I move up here. He helped me, and maybe that made me believe that I was worth something. My dad thinks I'm worth something, so now I can believe that I'm worth talking to and worth enough that boys may want to ask me out and worth enough to deserve help from other people and worth enough to be happy. It may sound silly that I had been thinking that I wasn't worth anything before, or that I couldn't believe that I was just because of the way my dad treated me, but that really does mean a lot and make a big difference. I keep thinking of that song by John Mayer, Daughters. I think they're really true, the things that he says in that song. That no matter how many people tell you that they love you or that you are beautiful or special, you just can't believe them if the one person you want to think those things about you doesn't. Girls are so complex and full of feelings that may at times seem ridiculous or twisted, but to them they are real. I've decided that I am definitely going to marry the kindest man I can find. I think it's the only way I can get through the rest of my life.
One last thing and then I have to stop with this philosophical stuff. I found out some things about this guy that I used to have a crush on. I can't really talk about details, but I just wanted to make it clear why I'm writing in this very philosophical fashion. He is just going through some hard stuff in his life right now, and when I found out all the details and the real story last night, ever since then I have been feeling really sad. Even though I don't really know this boy well, when I had a little girly crush on him, I really began to care for him and want the best for him in his life. But now that all these things are going wrong, I just wish I could fix it for him, so that he doesn't have to suffer through it. And I feel like anyone who cared even a little for this amazing kid, would want to do the same. And that's all I have to say about it for now. I'm just sad and more than a little bit angry. Anyway, God gives us all challenges, and we have to work through them the best we can.
I don't cry as much as I used to. Random, I know, but I just thought you'd like to know.
current mood:  pensive
current music: John Mayer
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| Wednesday, December 1st, 2004
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4:35 pm - Freezing in Utah, Missing California.
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I can't believe that it's already December! But the weather in Utah is making me believe it. It was below freezing again today. Right now I am enjoying fond memories of my beloved California. I turned in my petition for admission to BYU today. I don't know how to feel about it though. When I turned in my graduation plan, petition letter, and Palomar transcripts to the councilor, I felt like I was handing over my first-born child. I'm scared that I won't get in. I'm scared that I will get in. Life is just scaring me completely right now. But whatever happens, I've decided to be happy.
current mood:  tired
current music: Carpenter's Love songs (I know, pathetic)
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| Monday, November 29th, 2004
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4:19 pm - A really fabulous day.
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My sister and I got back from California at 1:00 in the morning on Sunday. We ran into a snow storm in southern Utah and had to drive extremely slow for the last 150 miles. I got sick the next morning from all the stress that driving in the snow for the first time brings. But after I was feeling better, I went over to my friend Kim's grandma's house and got to see her whole family. I was in heaven. They came to church with me to my singles ward. Then they invited me to dinner at Kim's dad's parents house. When we went in, her dad introduced me as the adopted child. I felt so special. We had Thanksgiving dinner with them and stayed and talked for a while. I kept looking over at Kim and smiling like a big goofball. But I was so happy, I couldn't help it. I was so glad to see her. After dinner was over, we went back to her other grandma's house and played cards. It was so much fun just hanging out and eating junk food. I didn't want them to leave. I'm glad that I'll be going home soon for Christmas and I'll get to see them again. I can't wait. I love the Anderson's. They just make me happy.
current mood:  good
current music: Amelie soundtrack
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| Friday, November 26th, 2004
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9:02 am - Home just doesn't seem like home.
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I'm home in Murrieta for the Thanksgiving holiday break, but my best friend Kim is out of town. She went to Provo where I just came from! It's been a trying vacation. I hate not being able to go over to her house and have everybody there to visit with. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. My only consolation is that I get to see them for a day in Provo when I go back. I have gotten to see some of my other really good friends, but only for a short time. The good thing is that I have been able to spend plenty of time with my family. My grandpa came down to visit for Thanksgiving and I was so happy to see him. I'm really looking foreword to going back to Provo. Things seem less confusing there. I've now decided that even if I don't get into BYU, I'm not going to be upset. I'll just come home and be totally happy that I don't have to miss all the people I love all the time. I'm so confused right now. Things have been okay with my mom and dad. Since we've been here they haven't felt the need to squabble, which is good. I feel like I've gained 10 pounds this Thanksgiving since I had two of them. On Wednesday we had Thanksgiving at my mom's house and on Thursday we had Thanksgiving with my dad. It's been annoying having to switch back and forth from house to house, but that's the way it goes, I guess. I hate not being able to go to Kim's for support like I used to when I lived here and all this crappy divorce stuff happened all the time. I feel like such a jerk for leaving. Like this is my punishment, having to be here without Kim, because I left and she's had to be here without me. And all I can say is that it sucks. I feel like a really bad friend and I'm hating myself right now. My dad is making me breakfast and I'm not even hungry. I ate SO MUCH yesterday I feel like a fat cow. My lowered self esteem could also be due to situation in which I find myself right now, but I'm not quite sure. Now I'm babbling, I'd better go.
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| Thursday, October 14th, 2004
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11:21 pm - Not much interesting.
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I have to admit that the whole Christopher Reeves death thing has freaked me out a lot more than I let on. Besides the fact that I am completely baffled that he died from such a fixable complication, I'm also terrified that something similar could happen to my best friend, who also happens to be paralyzed. Her recent live journal entry made me feel a little better though, since she explained that she knows how to treat bed sores and has excellent care. But the news seriously freaked me out.
In other news, I started my new job today. I am the newest sweets baker at Great Harvest Bakery. It's tough getting up at 5:00am on weekdays and 4:00am on Saturdays, but it's totally awesome being done with work by noon and having put in a full day of work already. I came home and took a long nap today after I got home from work and ate lunch. It felt so good. Then I went for a bike ride with my roommates and visited a friend in our apartment complex. Can I just say how much I hate the whole dating-guy scenario? I'm so sick of it already and I haven't even been here that long or dated anyone yet. Every time a guy comes around or I'm thinking of having a crush on a guy, I get scared and want to run home and hide in my room. I don't know whats wrong with me. But I'm really hating myself right now because of that.
Yesterday we took my sister to the MTC. We won't see her for a year and a half. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would though. She wasn't crying and she seemed so excited and happy, it was hard to be sad or think of how much I'd miss her. Besides, truthfully, I never saw her that much when she lived in the same house with me. But I did kind of feel like a heel walking out and seeing all the families crying and I wasn't. But the truth is I was just really happy for her at the moment and I figured I'd cry plenty later.
So that's what's going on in my life right now. I'm a little stressed about money and school, but other than that, I'm fine. Nothing else interesting is going on in my life, as usual. But that's okay.
current mood: tired
current music: 13 going on 30 soundtrack
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| Sunday, October 10th, 2004
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5:18 pm - Mostly good things with mild frustrations
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I must apologize to me readers and avid fans for the great length of time since my last update. I cannot blame my busy schedule or technical difficulties for my lack of communication; only forgetfulness. I also have very little to write about at the present time. There is one good thing though: I have a job interview at Great Harvest Bakery tomorrow. They need a new sweets baker and I applied. It sounds like it will be a lot of fun. My friend Katie works there as a bread baker, so I know we'll have a blast together. This job also means the end of my constant worrying about money. I have only been working weekends at Hollywood Video and just that is definitely not enough to get by. But with this job also, I think I'll be just fine. I'm waiting to hear back from BYU about my application. I'm nervous. Online it still says that my transcripts from the junior college I attended have not been received. I called and the helpful young man I talked to said that they have received so many transcripts that it just hasn't been entered into the system yet. But I still don't know if they were received on time and if they weren't I have to write a letter to the admissions office explaining why they weren't received before the deadline. Also a little nerve-racking. I've decided what I will write though. It will go something like this: Utah mail is slow. Another minor frustration that I am having is that the past two times I have tried to download shows (first I tried to download the most recent episode of Lost, and second the third episode of Joan of Arcadia) both downloads have been unsuccessful. Both have taken many hours of downloading time in which my computer was slower than normal, and then the finished downloads wouldn't play on the software that I have: extremely vexing. So I still haven't watched episode three of Joan and it is only 39% downloaded at this very moment. I tried to download the proper software but the computer that I call my own, which is actually my sisters, is having virus problems and I'm nervous about putting anything new on it. So that is the happiness and frustration of the past few days in a nutshell. Also, my little sister and I have done something amazing. We have cleaned out extremely messy, bordering on completely disgusting room. I'm so proud of us. I'm feeling a little strange right now because I'm realizing that I haven't talked to my best friend, Kim, in two whole days, and my world just doesn't feel right at this moment. I must call her now and make everything right. I promise it won't be too long before I update again.
current mood: relaxed
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| Friday, September 17th, 2004
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1:39 am - This, my very late journal entry.
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I closed at work tonight. I closed last night too. I'm so tired that I can't fall asleep. I haven't been feeling very well all day either. It's been kind of a bummer day, but at least I had an excuse for doing nothing all day long. The past couple days I have felt so rotten about myself because I haven't done anything. So, I decided never to do nothing for a whole day again. But then today I was sick. I really miss home. I can't stop listening to Sarah MacLachlan Fear either. I feel like watching the pilot episode of Roswell right now. "But I fear, I have nothing to give. I have so much to lose here in this lonely place..." I can't get those words out of my head. Goodness, I seem depressed. I also can't stop thinking about the movie The Village. I saw it approximately two months ago and I just started thinking about it today and I can't stop. I think that it is one of the saddest movies I have ever seen. Mostly because the ENTIRE thing is sad. There is no redeeming happiness in it, as many other sad movies have.
I forgot to mention that on Monday my friend Dave called me again and asked me if I wanted to go to the zoo with him and his family. My friend Katie and I went and had a great time. After we walked around the zoo all afternoon, we went with Dave's sister to take him back to the airport. Then she took us back to her apartment and Dave's mom took all of us out to dinner. It was so great. I love Dave and all his family. They are all wonderful. Dave was barely gone for a few minutes and I already wanted him to come back. He is always so good to me. I'm sure I don't deserve it.
Well, I'd better get to bed. I can't think of any other exciting news. Oh! except that my best friend Kim sent me her Joan of Arcadia tapes, which will be of great comfort to me, seeing as how it reminds me so much of her. But she sent them to her Grandparents house, so I have to go pick them up. I wish I could be back at home RIGHT NOW hanging out with Kim, watching our favorite TV shows, eating junk food, being able to go home and see my mom any time I want. I don't know why I am the way I am, but I've decided to try to accept it instead of hating myself. It seems much more logical. And I think I'll be happier that way; at least I hope so.
current mood: contemplative
current music: Sarah MacLachlan-Fear
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| Tuesday, September 14th, 2004
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11:00 am - Five again.
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I know it's been a while since I've updated, and I'm sorry. I was extremely depressed at the beginning of this past weekend, but so many good things happened that it's impossible to stay depressed any longer. On Saturday my friend Diana came for a visit. We just talked about whats going on in our lives and whined to each other about all of the difficult things we are going through. It was great. She came so unexpectedly and offered no explanation as to why she came, that it really amazed me that she came exactly when I needed her. What a good friend. I was still missing home and feeling a little down the rest of the weekend, although work this weekend was surprisingly nice. I met some new people and actually found out that a lady I work with is the mom of a lady who used to be in my home ward. We had fun talking about all the people from home that we both know. That was really nice. But the best part of this weekend was when my friend Dave came to visit. He was here to see his brother, who was home from Iraq for the weekend. He came to see me and invited me, along with my roommates, to dinner at his house with his whole family. When we first walked in the door, I saw Brother and Sister Johnson, who I knew from the singles branch. (Brother Johnson was the Ward Clerk.) I came to find out that they are Dave's grandparents. It's a small world. We had spaghetti for dinner, which was very delicious, and I ate a lot, because I was extremely hungry. Then Dave and his mom showed us her pre-school that she has on the bottom floor of her house. It is the cutest place ever. We started to look at all the kid stuff and we ended up playing down there for hours! We made bracelets with the beads that she has for the kids, we drew on the little chalkboards, we put on the painting bibs and painted on the mini easels. Painting was the best part. I painted rainbows and fairies and flowers and an angel. I felt like I was five again. I didn't want to leave. Dave played Where in the World is Carmen San Diego? on the computer and kept getting us new paint supplies and snacks from one of the cupboards. I was the most wonderful time I have had in a really long time. My sister was having lots of fun too, but she had lots of homework to do, so she said we had to go. I was really sad, but on the way out the door, Dave's grandma gave me a kiss and hug and I felt so good. Then his mom have us her address and phone number and said to come and play anytime. She also said that if we needed to talk or needed anything, all we needed to do was call. She is such a sweet lady. I cried all the way home. I am so grateful to Dave for sharing his family with us. He has been such a good friend to me ever since I first met him. I called my mom and told her about everything that happened that night. She was so happy for me and she commented on how amazing it was that there are so many wonderful people in the world. I couldn't help but cry some more.
current mood: calm
current music: Jeff Buckley-Grace
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| Wednesday, September 1st, 2004
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12:18 am - What a morning! (continued)
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So, I never did get to eat breakfast before I left the house this morning because I had to leave again to pick my sister up from the airport. Yes, her flight was delayed because of technical difficulties. The plane had a part that was bad so they had to fly a new part in from Long Beach, which would have taken several hours, so she opted to wait until tomorrow to leave. I drove all the way back to Salt Lake to get her and we spent some time in Temple Square. We then went to get something to eat at the mall before getting extremely tired and heading home. I took a very long nap this afternoon, and when I woke up I searched for jobs online for a few hours. Then I watched Pride and Prejudice: A Latter-day Comedy with my sister and new roommates. Great movie, by the way. My sister knows a bunch of people who were involved in the production, which I thought was really neat. Tomorrow I have a huge list of things to do. I hope I can get them all done. Right now it's off to bed with me.
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| Tuesday, August 31st, 2004
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8:02 am - What a morning!
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Last night I fell asleep before I could update, but I have decided that it was a good thing because I had to take my sister to the airport this morning to catch her flight back to California. I knew that we would be getting up early, so I was prepared to be tired, but I wasn't prepared for the chaos that occurred. My sister set the alarm on her cell phone to wake her up this morning. Unfortunately, she didn't realize that the clock on her phone was set to Pacific time still. So at about 5:15am she rushed into my room, woke me up in a panic and explained that we had to leave immediately if she wanted to catch her plane. Luckily, my little sister offered to come with us, so I didn't have to worry about driving home half asleep on the unfamiliar streets of Utah. My sister made it to the airport on time, but unlucky for her, there was a problem with her plane and she is still at the airport, as I type, and she is going to call any moment with news of what's going to happen. I'm off to eat breakfast now, but I'll keep you updated with any further developments.
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| Sunday, August 29th, 2004
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10:34 pm - Large amounts of change
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I promised one of the people that I love most in this world that I would update my live journal today. So, even though I am incredibly tired and totally ready for bed, I am up and typing away. Today I moved from California to Utah. I know that sounds completely insane, but I really have a good reason. My little sister goes to school here, and up until last semester she had her two best friends sharing an apartment with her. When they left, she was really sad and lonely, so I told her that I would come move up here with her. Maybe I was just saying it to be nice and make her feel better, not really believing that it would happen, but she held me to my word. I really did need a change, though. There are people and things that I will miss back home, maybe more than I can bare, but I know that this is a good opportunity for me to be brave, leave my safe little existence behind, and maybe learn a thing or two while I'm here. I'm grateful for the chance to come here and for all my loved ones back home that have given me encouragement, offered help, and believed that I could actually do something different like this, when I couldn't believe in myself and even though they didn't really want me to come at all. I've been gone for exactly one day and I already miss home so much. I'm the biggest baby ever, and I know that the fits of crying and homesickness are already on the way. But I'm also really excited about everything here. And being with my konnekted twin sister, Barbie, always makes me really happy. I always try to be apart of the lives of the people that I love as much as possible and try to make them happy by being there for them as much as I can. But now that I left I feel like I've undone all that good, because I'm making them sad by leaving. I know what you're thinking..."The weight of the world sure is heavy, Cil. Why don't you take a load off?" But it's harder than that. I know that I just have to trust that God knows what he's doing with me and that he'll take care of the people I love until I get back. If only I could. I know I'll get better at it soon. I'll have to. Well, this is about as much as I can do tonight. I know there was more I wanted to say, but it will have to keep until tomorrow.
current mood: sleepy
current music: John Mayer-83
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| Saturday, April 24th, 2004
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10:28 pm - I feel good
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I just went to see 13 Going On 30 for the second time. It is so cute. I love anything that reminds me of the 80's and what it was like when I was younger. I also love love stories. And this one was adorable. This movie wasn't amazing or Academy Award worthy, it was just a plain old feel good movie--and I loved it. I love movies that make me pray to Heavenly Father, "If there really is love like that in the world, please help me find it." And that's what this movie did. At this moment, I can't wait to find a guy who is crazy about me, and who I am crazy about, and who will be my best friend. And I never feel that way. Lately, the thought of dating and marriage and all that mushy boy-girl stuff has made me roll my eyes. At least when I am applying it to my own life. It's one thing to watch it on TV or in the movies, but it's another thing to want it for yourself. And I think I do. And that is kind of exciting.
current mood: happy
current music: Thriller by Michael Jackson (or anything 80's)
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| Thursday, April 22nd, 2004
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10:56 pm - My depressing life (for the moment)
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I just watched Big Fish again. That movie is so incredible. I love it so much. I haven't been in the mood to watch dramas for the past few years, but this one is so worth the time. I think when your life starts becoming not-too-different from the dramas on TV or in the movies, you have to start watching comedies and pray that your life will soon become like those. I think that's what happened to me anyway. I used to love dramas when I was a kid.
The drawing for the nursing program at Delta College was on Tuesday. I was so lucky that I was busy that day that I didn't have time to worry or stress about it. But I didn't sleep very well that night. I logged on for the results as soon as I woke up on Wednesday morning. Apparently, I'm not all that lucky. Out of the 292 people who entered the drawing, I was drawn on 248. Depressing. As a matter of fact I was completly depressed that entire day. I didn't eat very much and I just wanted to leave work, come home, climb into my bed and cry. I feel like such a loser and like I will NEVER finish school. I will be a GSR at Hollywood video for the rest of my life.
Now I don't know what I'm going to do about school. I'm thinking of changing my major. But nursing is the only thing I have ever wanted to do besides becoming a famous actress, and with my luck, I can definitely eliminate that one. I can't even lose enough weight to try out for anything in Hollywood even if I got up the guts to do it. I would have to play "the fat girl" in every movie I was in. But I don't think I could ever weigh 100 lbs. And that's probably how skinny I would have to be since I'm so short. I love food. I love eating. I love sitting on my butt and being lazy. Not all the time, but a majority of the time that's about all I want to do. Hard work is so...hard. But I'm willing to do it if it means that I will get somewhere. Anywhere.
It seems strange that, in a way, I'm relieved that I didn't get accepted to Delta. Now I don't have to move to Stockton away from all of my friends and family and my whole life here. I would miss so many things. But at the same time I understand that you can't always just get things without having to give up certain things first. So now I'm feeling confused. And a little irritated at my rotten luck (even though I don't really believe in luck). Maybe that's why luck won't be kind to me, because I don't believe in it.
So that's my news. I haven't told many people. Only those that asked me about it. I am almost too embarrassed to tell anyone else. I feel like such a loser. So this is my life. It's not terrible, but not fabulous either. I can't wait until someday soon when my life will be fabulous, and I won't mind telling everybody about everything and about how happy I am. I know it will happen soon.
current mood:  confused
current music: Livin' on a prayer by Bon Jovi
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| Sunday, April 18th, 2004
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2:23 pm - Man of the Hour
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It seems like forever since I have updated my live journal. But I had a request from a special friend, so here it goes. Yesterday I tested for my blue belt in karate and got it. I went to a friends' wedding reception and got to see a lot of good, old friends and eat some delicious food, so, despite the extremely cold weather and having to wear a dress, I had a good time. My friend Kim was there with me too, so that made it nice as well. I didn't have to work at all yesterday, which is quite amazing for a Saturday. I had a really good day yesterday. I'm in a pensive mood right now because I'm listening to the Big Fish soundtrack. Pearl Jam's Man of the Hour is playing right now and it seems like no matter when I listen to this song, it makes me feel like crying. I loved the movie Big Fish, so that may be one reason for the tears, another may be that this soundtrack reminds me of the person who gave it to me, my favorite Tim Burton and Danny Elfman fan, my sister, Barbie. I miss her so much when I hear this music because I can picture her, however many miles away Provo, Utah is from me, listening to this music at this very same moment. And it makes me really sad that we can't be listening to it together right now. It's funny that at times you can be so wrapped up in all the big and little things that you have to do that when you finally sit down quietly by yourself for even a few minutes, you start to realize a million little things that you haven't had time to think about; like how much you miss someone, or how extremely dirty your bathroom really is, or how long it's been since you talked to the girl who was your best friend in high school.
On Tueday of this week I find out if I have been accepted to the nursing program at Delta college in Stockton, California. I don't really like the thought of moving to the city of Stockton because everything there is old and downtown Stockton is not too different from downtown Los Angeles. I'm scared to be living there. Especially when I look out my window to the street we just moved to last month. It's a nice little cul-du-sac that's quiet and has little kids riding there bikes and scooters down it. The ice cream man comes by regularly and I don't have to worry about what the traffic will be like when I'm trying to pull out of my driveway the way I did at the last house we lived in. There are other reasons why moving there also scares me. I will be away from my immediate family and all the friends I have made since I was 12 years old. I won't be able to take karate anymore, and I will be living away from home for the first time in my life. I'm a very young 22, as you can tell, and I hate the thought of being away from my mommy, my little sister Barbie, who has already left home and lives in Utah, my little brother, and my friends, the Andersons. Everything here is safe. And I'm a safety kind of girl. Plus, this means I'm really growing up. I actually have to admit it. But there are good things about going. Once I'm done school I will no longer be poor, like I am now. And I do have family in Stockton. As a matter of fact, almost all of my extended family is there, and I'd be living with my grandpa. I'd get to go to my cousins kids' baseball games and spend time with my favorite cousin, Shelly. I wouldn't feel like such a loser because I'd actually be getting through school, and I'd have fewer distractions than I do at home, so I might even be able to improve my GPA. But even with all of those good things, I'm still finding it hard to come to the realization that I might be moving there soon. I'm scared. My dad doesn't want me to move there. He's quite protective. I guess I'll just have to leave it to the Lord. I'll do the best I can with whatever he gives me.
I've given up trying to understand people. I have decided that I will never really be able to understand anyone, because most of the time I can't even understand myself. And I'm me! I've known my thoughts and actions and everything that has happened to me ever since I was able to remember, and there are still times when I can't understand why I am the way I am or why I feel a certain way, or why I do some things that I do. So to try to understand other people is just beyond me. I want to understand people and know what motivates them, or sometimes at my work I'd like to understand what makes some people so irritable. And still other times I wish I knew what made some people so sweet or fun or interesting or outgoing (especially since that last one is something I will never be). I really miss being a kid, and not having so many abstract thoughts and grown-up worries. So right now I really feel like going outside to play catch, or dancing around my room like I did when I was little to try to recapture my childhood for a moment. Except that now I no longer own a baseball glove and I don't have a room yet in our house until my sister moves out. I'd better go because this pensive mood is quickly turning to depression. Now instead of trying to recapture my childhood, I've decided to do the next best "adult" thing---go eat some chocolate.
current mood: pensive
current music: Big Fish soundtrack
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| Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003
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1:05 pm - good gracious, it's been a while
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Life has been ridiculously busy these past few weeks. I spent the last few days of my summer vacation hanging out with my sister, Barbie, who came home from Utah to visit. I also went to Raging Waters with my mom, my brother, and my brother's friend. We had a lot of fun. I also got to spend some time with my friend Kim, working on our Drusilla video and watching movies and TV. I miss those days. They seem like forever ago. Now, I have a ton of homework from my Anatomy teacher whose class is extremely challenging. I think I'm going to have an ulcer by the time I get out of her class. But I'm trying to have a positive attitude about the situation. Although I must admit that it is really hard to have a good attitude about something that keeps me from my favorite things in the world, namely, my family, the Anderson family, and sleep. Tomorrow is my birthday. I have to keep reminding myself because last year I totally forgot. I told all my friends that this year I want a surprise party because I learned in the past that throwing yourself a party is way too much trouble to have to go through on your special day. So, if they surprise me this year, cool. And if not, I still saved the trouble of putting on a party for myself. I'm still trying to decide what I want for my birthday. I really would like money to go clothes shopping, or money to put in the bank and save for a trip to Italy, New Zealand, France, New York, Japan, or somewhere else that's fabulous. But I need new perfume also, and I can't decide between CK one and getting Cool Water again. Also, Alias Season one DVD came out yesterday. Also, the Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVD's season 1-3 are high on my list of wants. I would really like a pair of black low top converse and a new pair of sunglasses since mine broke. Look how long this list is already. I wish I had more rich friends. Anyway, I'm sure I have much more I could say, but I have to get back to studying for my horrible, oops, I mean wonderful Anatomy class. I also have an Italian test tomorrow. I wish I was still a kid so that everything could stop and revolve around me for my birthday like it did when I was little. That would be nice. I really don't want to turn 22. From now on, I've decided that I'm going to start moving backward on the age scale. Once I hit 0, I'll start going back up again. Well, I'm off to study for Italian. Ciao!
current mood: complacent
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| Sunday, August 17th, 2003
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8:15 pm - first time for everything
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Well, this is the first time I have written in my live journal. I know it sounds a little silly but I'm kind of nervous. I don't want to mess up since my terrible computer illiteracy keeps me from knowing how to correct any mistakes I make on here. The only reason that I have a picture is because my little sister walked me through the process. Today was a pretty good day. I spent the night at my friend Kim's house and slept in later than normal. Church today was a little strange for me because a lot of the people that came were kids that I went to high school with that are home from school for the summer or for some other reason. There was one person in particular who was there whose presence made me feel very uneasy, although I don't know why it should. His name is Trent Griffith. He is home this weekend because his sister Lauren got married. He was one of the popular kids in high school that I never had the guts to talk to. So his being at church today made me feel kind of sick because it brought back all those feelings that I had in high school-feeling like a nobody. I was reflecting today and realizing that I am still very much like the person I was in high school. I'm not as shy, but still somewhat, but people like Trent seem to be able to bring that sort of thing out in me. I hate seeing people from high school at my work. I wonder if I should say hi to them and if the "cool" laws from high school still apply. I realize now that I was just being silly in high school when I believed that all you were worth was what other high school kids thought you were worth. I know now that I'm worth so much more than I believed I was back then, but I somehow can't fight that shrinking feeling that comes over me when I am faced with questions like "Will this guy even remember who I am?" or "Will it embarrass him if I say hi?" or "What do I, little insignificant me, have to say to this guy that would be the least bit interesting?" It's not like this guy is a rock star or anything either. He's just a normal kid who had a few advantages in the difficult teenage years such as good looks, musical talent, and a wealthy family. What makes him so gosh-darn special? I have no clue. And why can't I even get up the guts to make eye contact with the guy? Still no clue. So this is what set me into my pensive, low self-esteem mood that I find myself in at this moment. And after much though I have come to the conclusion that
1. I am mildly socially retarded
2. I am thinking about this thing way too much, and
3. This journal entry turned out to be way longer than I expected
Well, if I have given you a small glimpse of who I am in this little entry, it has been worthwhile. And if I have bored you to death, I'm not surprised or offended.
current mood: contemplative
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